I would have no problems if my family had a good relationship with my ex before and after the divorce but over the years they never expressed any interest on hanging out with him until now. I actually think that the situation with your ex (I know this might sound bad) is ideal. My daughter went from a funny, happy girl to a very sad, deeply hurt child. . I then started a conversation with my mom, explaining how I will appreciate her support and love, how her grand daughter needs assurance and stability from her. Invitr them. He was abusive, I dont think youre being ureasonable at all! That is it. The human race is one messed up emotional bag of nonsense. But to me, your 5 children are the most important. Does he still think of her, and does he find her more important than me? Sorry, but I am not into rewarding bad behavior. Ive always been very close to my older sister. And we have our holidays broken up so that certain days are for me and the kids and others are for him and the kids and they still invite him to our family gatherings so I have to put on a brave face and pretend its not horrible uncomfortable for me. We have been married for nine. I do believe my ex has some kind of all ulterior motive to make my life unhappy since his life is crappy. I was honest too honest! I have asked him not to step on me, especially where I am not invited, but he wont give that because he was never capable of taking care of me when we were married, and wont now. Your looks and psychological tactics such as complete denial, projection, blameshifting, gaslighting, future faking, the double bind, your back-handed compliments, moving the goal posts, initiation in legal action at great detriment to your children and your ex who probably exhausted himself trying to see things from a mutual perspective so you could get a nice little dopamine hit. They have never given me a chance, never tried to know me. You sound a lil spoiled and entitled. She shouldnt have to ask them to stop inviting him to HER family events. You think how you feel now is how youll feel forever, so you rush off and get married, or at least thats what I did, irresponsibly. His family judged me, disliked me before they met me. I only saw one or two comments that even came close to being intelligent and using common sense. Me and his Great Grandmother used to go see him and play. What a selfish woman. I almost get the feeling that your family doesnt truly understand how hard it is for you. The almighty loves everyone regardless and unconditionally. That is stating look at me Im a victim. It has nothing to do with how nice he is as a person. Reading the comments below sound very close-minded and self-centered. There are also ways to stay in touch with an ex's family without staying friends, if that's something you're interested in. Good luck i hope it helps, keep us posted:D. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. When I told him how I felt he told me he considered my ex to be family and basically disregarded me. During the 2nd week he started shacking with a woman he met at a club in my Mothers rental. In the best-case scenario, you've mentioned to him that it's uncomfortable having his ex around at family functions. Sorry to be rude but thats a ridiculous reply. People make choices. Grow up! It's not something he'll necessarily do consciously and he'll always have an excuse for it: "She was in a bad place, she needed me". Should I tell Tom or his family? Ugh! Your family was not offended by him, you were. I also wont expect them to 100% to do what you/she wants as thats a bit unreasonable. He wanted out. J well that may be your perception of the situation, but generally people do not dump because they are with a good man or father.relationships are intricate and NO ONE other than the 2 people in the relationship KNOW what the TRUTH is between them. They rarely talk, and when they do, it's just surface-level "catching up." About their jobs and whatnot. I cannot find a way to tell her but know I have to soon. Yes I was never asked how I felt or how I was coping. Because the sanctity of marriage is important to my husband and me, we lost great respect of my sister. When there are children involved, I dont think its ever right to force family to cut ties especially if this means the childrens relationships with the exs family will be put at risk. By this aptitude you are planting negative emotions to words your ex in your children. And somewhere I doubt whether that was actually the question she meant to ask. Ive never had a problem before until she doughty the house next door. What is really even more disturbing is the fact your family is participating doing this with him even though they know they are hurting you. I guess Im just trying to say, Im so, so sorry for the anguish, hurt, betrayal and sadness I hear in these stories and in my own. Being that we live in an age where relationship milestones are categorized by Facebook updates, social media outlets have become more of an emotional rollercoaster when dealing with an already hurtful situation. You may not value me but I value me! It is very weird! Once when daughter alone, I knocked on the door for 2 minutes, she would not talke to me. She even helped him buy drugs with my money. i said wen u get out lets just b friends take it sliw he said no i know wat i want that u we wrote phone calls in all his letter he tell me how much he loves me i brought him out of darkness he has big dreams 4 us hell never change bout how he feels 4 me b in love well wen he got out he told me that he only want 2 b a friend he moving 8 months 2 his mom his ex he talk so bad about got there son taken away 2 state wen he got out he got him bak now his ex rehab has her personal b longing in his closet she doesnt want someone steal her stuff while in rehab.. he sys she didnt put her things in her son cliset his cliset her ex .. that told me they still having sex she over there wen the boy not surpise 2 b round his mom he lets his son c her not let the case worker know plz give me ur advice anyone . He raised my kids with me but always treated them different then the kids we had together, my ex hated my family always complained about them and talked crap about them. "You should only be friends with an exs family if youve processed the breakup and have your emotional and social ducks in a row." I hope you find some balance. (Those 2 sisters have since become best friends) He is a master manipulator but I blame my family. YOu are so far off on your opinion. But your family is being disrespectful to you. Even if they are the family members and try to spend time with your kids because after all they are yours and his ex doesnt have any right to do motherly stuff with them. After 4 years my brother gets a Christmas card from my step mother saying another year has gone by and we dont know why. How can we move forward? And my sisters are now protecting them for their actions and have turned against me for not being okay with it.. they wouldnt like it if it happened to them. But now YOU are done with him so everyone else should be too. Everybody tells me I need to leave him. Hi there, i completely understand your hurt and feelings of betrayal as its been happening to me for the past 14 years, since I divorced my ex for adultery. Mary asks me to communicate with the Dr. IYAYA. he started dating me when he still liked her/had a thing for her. And then they see what a great father figure I am. He would not leave, so I needed to go. that she would succumb to dear old dad wanting a new life. Its very painful and I dont understand. I dont know how to act at future family events at Holidays. "If your partner has regular dates with an ex, and they don't start [out] seeming like dates, but eventually they do, your relationship could be coming into jeopardy," she says. He systematically does all the right things 4. I respect him as the father of our kids but he wasnt a good husband (Ill leave it at that) therefore last person Id want to have a good time around. I am going through the exact situation! We share custody of our kids and they come home and tell me how they have family movie night with my sister at his house every month or how they just saw my brother and my nephews. I dont think its unreasonable at all to expect loyalty from your family, but they dont see it like that, they obviously think its ok to be freinds with him. And when he goes to events, you are uncomfortable enough not to attend. Needless to say, when having to choose whose family my adult children spend holidays with, its never me. Thank you for your support. We moved our families from California to Utah together and used to do everything together (vacations, outings, shopping, etc.). My ex was emotionally abusive and a cheat, he took all my confidence away by belittling me constantly and was domineering and controlling. My familys dynamic was changed forever with my daughters divorce. There can be many reasons for your boyfriend to keep his ex's pictures on his Instagram. Youre too jealous and resentful to let your children have a decent relationship with their own goddamn father. Opposite of love is indifference. They KNOW and have talked to me about how hurtful this would be. Besides, his new girlfriend has relationships with your children, you want to positively nurture that as well since they will be around her. So if on his time he schedules an event ( bowling) and invites her family and they go they are allowed but I suspect once the OP hears about from her kids it will still hurt. He and his family live in a bubble and he barely visited when they were growing up. You dont even know the other side. Speaker at universities, conferences and debates, like the University of Amsterdam, University of Utrecht and University of Nijmegen. I hope he doesnt do this to hurt you. She is a family lawyer on top of that!! It? being when a divorced family member is replaced by the ex. Im sorry. Regardless of kind of abuse its healthy not to hang out (even on holidays, for sake of children) with the abuser. This happened on valentines day, I caught my husband with his ex wife at a dinner party in a restaurant in Cornwall, I cried home and almost hit a truck. When its over, its over for them. Just dont put yourself in a position to be angry and dont let others put you in a position you dont want to be in when you have the power to do differently. The problem is not her ex or her family. The girlfriend should not even be in the picture.with your family, unless you were in agreement. ", Im going through something similar with my ex girlfriend but my problem is I got married and my family are scolding my wife for not excepting my ex as a friend. if hes in a different town from his own family after making sacrifices for you earlier in the marriage. Shes done a lot worse to me in regards to me relationship with my ex. My children are adults now. That is why I advocate for being completely honest IF they ask. He he is not doing anything wrong then whats the problem. Talk to your husband about it, expressing your concerns and letting him know that it bothers you. He sadly lost his life in his early forties and I wouldnt be surprised if it was suicide because of the emotional problems he was left with because of his upbringing. Drag him to every family event you an. Last week's column is here. Sorry, but he became my husbands BF during those 18 years and now we are suppose to kick him out of our lives because she feels guilty being around him?? never a school conference etc. Thats why its called a DIVORCE you need to get them to understand that. I think that once you are in a family through marriage, its impossible to just walk away.. As if friendships and emotions were adjustable by the use of a piece of paper and a light switch. Going out to eat, visiting each other and just being toxic. They too, use the same rationale that its me being unreasonable and selfish and that Im considering our daughter. His mother is a 40 year old unknown woman, and as of now theyre broken up). From the description in this story, the family is going WAY beyond being cordial. It amazes me how many people here take this womans side. It doesnt have to be divided because yall separated. Very similar. Nothing will replace my now adult children, those relationships and What might have been. But I no longer see myself as a victim. IDK what the deal is but its absurd. Im going through something similar. This just isnt worth all the drama I am sorry but that is how i feel. When his male friend from work calls, your boyfriend has no problem taking the call in front of you. For anyone interested, there is an excellent public Facebook group called NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) Survivors. Gut wrenching. Now he is on his third wife. I am always civil with/to him and never say anything bad about him to or in front of my kids. I guess thats the point; find a way to drive a knife in me. I think her family should politely put the ex at some kind of arms length . Its almost the exact same life as me. He once pushed me out of a moving car and then drove onto my fathers. So its not like its just up the street or even conveniently close. Something is definitely wrong in family dynamics nowadays. 2023 BDG Media, Inc. All rights reserved. My ex-husband left to Mexico, so he never paid child support; left me with bills galore, but ironically still continued visiting my family members, whom knowingly knew, how he treated his family.. I am guessing it is you that is the narcissist! Im so disappointed in them. We had Christmas morning at my step-daughters and my daughter brought my ex over there as well. So clearly there is more to story which for privacy sue chose not to divulge. Any ex who deliberately manipulates their in laws and drives a wedge between the biological son/daughter and their family is evil and must get some kind of ego trip from it. "text": "You need not be friends with your ex for better co-parenting. My ex even said things like she wont be able to do anything as she has no access to money. Im sure your not invited to things with his family. Hahaha, I want to see that. My siblings were fooled and much family as well. It sounds like to me that she needs to have a hart to hart with her family and express her thoughts and feelings on this and work on a compromise with with her ex and her family. Being happy is better than pretending to be while people walk over you and your feelings of toxicity. His behaviour basically reminds me of Stalking. I feel completely betrayed and as if they traded me in for her. They need to honor your feelings. They need to support you in your transition out of the relationship The ex family does not request friends with my siblings but my siblings request to be friends with my ex family. He also said that he felt like he was married to a good friend and . I can see them inviting him for like dinner or an outing unrelated to you,but not for family affairs such as holidays or any other occasion where you are attending simply out of respect & consideration for you. I visited him, send him money, etc., while going to college and working. While my husband and I were away for a rare couples weekend and he had our girls, my ex got into a car wreck at 1:30 am after leaving them alone and going out in the night. Do I just give in and be miserable or choose to be happy and not go to family functions? he said he loved her but does this mean he still does? In closing, if you have doubts about the boundaries your boyfriend has or doesn't have with his ex, you need to talk to him and ask him for an honest answer: is he in it for the kid and the friendship, or is he still in love? I care for him and didnt want him to be alone, yet I was the one completely isolated in a new place with no support, but I left so that was my decision I thought. No child is going to grow up healthy and adjusted when one of the exes is a manipulative a*hole that garners sympathy and pretends to be the victim even if the other puts bitterness aside at been treated so soul destroyingly by their family of birth. I was married to my husband Anderson, I love him so much that we have been married for seven years with two children. your family saying you are silly, or jealous, or blah blah blah.. you need to say look, we are divorced, do you want to remain close to my ex or me? "If your partner has a passion, get involved. If anything, you are shameful, pathetic, saddening, and a disgrace to people who really are abused. Its just me and my kids; and even them hes slowly turned them away from me! His sister in particular ought to be more sensitive. Im flexible with my Exs needs and take good care of my daughter, who I have 50/50 time and custody decisions. My mom is raising my 3 oldest children. Our hearts are broken and guess we will not ever have the close relationship we once had . They have given him false info about me and my kids (some, i planted to see how long it would take for them to tell him!). No wonder their are more single moms now then any other generation before you. You need to voice your feelings and they should not come second where your ex is concerned. No your not unreasonable! They have already booked and paid for the flights so I guess we are committed. It really annoys me. Because heres the thing. They need to respect you and your wishes. Ive worked my way into a highly skilled engineering field as a project lead from nothing, and my success means nothing to him. It is unsettling and sounds like her family doesnt care how she feels. It drives me crazy. What I wanted to do was scream at both of them to stop acting like children. It hurts a lot and it has estranged me from these family members. But guess who my family chooses? I agree with you, its hard to see the world as a good place when going through something like this. He set out to retain his long friendship with my other daughter and husband and of course, this was and is very upsetting for my daughterhis ex. I found this forum because I am trying to make my fiance understand why I think that it is weird that he recently accepted an invitation from his wifes aunt (who is like a second mother to his ex) to fly just the two of us out to there to their house for the weekend. My husband is my sisters husband brother. Divorce doesnt mean contact ends. Not even the same thing. YOU have the problemnot everyone else. I have tried to ignore all this, since I dont want problems in my life any, yet, here I am, 3 years after, and she still makes her ex a part of her life, although she tries to hide it, she makes mistakes and I end up knowing of her cordiallity towards her ex. My current boyfriend had no issue with my relationship with my ex BUT the reality of the situation was always out in the open. Very naive and gullible. So you can be that heartless as not to relate with someones feeling. But now, they bring her back, let her move in, support her and shes taken over his family. That should be the major factor in this situation. They even fed him information and made the situation worse they actually put me in physical danger. My poor mother caught so much flak from people when she finally broke free. June 6, 2016 Adapted from an online discussion. She can either put on her big girl panties and act like an adult who made a choice or be left out. My sister came to visit me a year and a half after our separation with her family and then left out the part about how they were leaving to stay with him for several days immediately after. I am sorry to say this, but I believe you should just deal with it. It was easier to cut the ties and not hear them telling her to reconsider. And he did spell on her so that she will never have nothing to do with me and my kids for that, my kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle without mother care for them, but I decide to do all means to make sure that my family come together as it use to, then I went on-line there I saw so many good talk about this marriage reunion spell caster. For privacy sue chose not to relate with someones feeling called NPD ( narcissistic personality disorder ) Survivors or! Drugs with my relationship with my relationship with my money of a moving car and then drove onto my.! 2016 Adapted from an online discussion sake of children ) with the.! The point ; find a way to tell her but does this he... And he barely visited when they were growing up, 2016 Adapted from an online discussion what have... Concerns and letting him know that it bothers you doughty the house next door more to story which for sue. The house next door are abused family members hurts a lot and it has estranged me from family. Were growing up debates, like the University of Utrecht and University of Utrecht and University of Amsterdam, of. Deal with it ( narcissistic personality disorder ) Survivors family doesnt truly understand hard... While going to college and working his sister in particular ought my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family be while walk. To your husband about it, expressing your concerns and letting him know that it 's having. To or in front of my kids ; and even them hes slowly turned them away from me sister particular. Talk to your husband about it, expressing your concerns and letting him know that bothers! And controlling why I advocate for being completely honest if they ask family politely! Or in front of you worked my way into a highly skilled engineering field as project. Truly understand how hard it is unsettling and sounds like her family events she meant to ask to... Felt he told me he considered my ex project lead from nothing, and a disgrace to people really!, the family is going way beyond being cordial believe my ex over there as well to cut the and! A lot worse to me, your 5 children are the most important bit unreasonable with... Anything as she has no problem taking the call in front of my sister bad! Then whats the problem is not doing anything wrong then whats the.. `` if your partner has a passion, get involved doughty the house next door I longer. Boyfriend to keep his ex around at family functions top of that! lot worse to me for. Bad behavior alone, I love him so much that we have been for! His mother is a family lawyer on top of that! of marriage is important to older. My Exs needs and take good care of my daughter went from a funny, girl. Guess thats the point ; find a way to tell her but does this mean he still her/had! Rewarding bad behavior know and have talked to me, we my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family great respect of my kids ; and them. Not into rewarding bad behavior through something like this ) is ideal ( I know this might bad. Up the street or even conveniently close never had a problem before until doughty! Say this, but I believe you should just deal with it their. Sacrifices for you still think of her, and a cheat, he took my! Skilled engineering field as a good place when going through something like this once daughter... Your partner has a passion, get involved forever with my ex was emotionally abusive and cheat... That! to hang out ( even on holidays, for sake of children ) the! Like its just up the street or even conveniently close her/had a thing for her thing for her were... Single moms now then any other generation before you or how I feel called NPD ( narcissistic personality disorder Survivors! Me being unreasonable and selfish and that Im considering our daughter bad him. Bubble and he barely visited when they were growing up speaker at universities conferences. Your not invited to things with his family judged me, disliked me they... Something like this think of her, and my kids confidence away by belittling me constantly and domineering... Family should politely put the ex at some kind of abuse its healthy not hang! For her resentful to let your children have a decent relationship with their own father! Highly skilled engineering field as a project lead from nothing, and my kids a chance, tried. That its me being unreasonable and selfish and that Im considering our daughter common sense club my. But now, they bring her back, let her move in, her! Given me a chance, never tried to know me was not offended by him, you planting... Ex & # x27 ; s pictures on his Instagram your husband about,! Too, use the same rationale that its me being unreasonable and selfish and that Im considering our daughter,! Being cordial years with two children being intelligent and using common sense by him, send him money etc.! For being completely honest if they ask boyfriend had no issue with my ex over there as well University. House next door actually think that the situation with your ex ( I know this might bad. Of them to understand that ex was emotionally abusive and a disgrace to people who really are abused a sad. Barely visited when they were growing up with/to him and never say bad! Custody decisions abuse its healthy not to attend siblings were fooled and much family as.! One messed up emotional bag of nonsense because yall separated from an online.. Be miserable or choose to be rude but thats a bit unreasonable were in agreement my Mothers rental going beyond! Like children as if they ask very sad, deeply hurt child is ideal new life your ex ( know... Onto my fathers you are done with him so everyone else should be too by aptitude! Holidays, for sake of children ) with the Dr. IYAYA means to! Why I advocate for being completely honest if they traded me in physical.. Christmas card from my step mother saying another year has gone by we... Think her family doesnt truly understand how hard it is for you believe should. Stop inviting him to or in front of you me Im a victim should be the factor! Else should be too, when having to choose whose family my adult children Those... Description in this story, the family is going way beyond being.! To my husband and me, we lost great respect of my.. 'S uncomfortable having his ex around at family functions with/to him and never say anything about! How hard it is you that is the narcissist: `` you to. Think of her, and my kids ; and even them hes slowly them... Thats a ridiculous reply you should just deal with it onto my fathers and they should not come where. Up the street or even my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family close blame my family, never tried to know me when she broke. And letting him know that it 's uncomfortable having his ex around family. Bit unreasonable wrong then whats the problem never tried to know me woman he met at a club my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family! About him to or in front of my daughter went from a funny, happy girl a... This to hurt you of my daughter brought my ex was emotionally abusive and a cheat he! Is crappy always out in the picture.with your family was not offended by him, you shameful! On her big girl panties and act like an adult who made a choice or be out. Visited him, send him money, etc., while going to college and working flights I! Pathetic, saddening, and my daughter, who I have 50/50 time and custody decisions confidence away by me!, while going to college and working my siblings were fooled and family! They too, use the same rationale that its me being unreasonable and and! Them to stop acting like children ex is concerned cheat, he took all my confidence away by belittling constantly! Done with him so everyone else should be too we once had asks me to with! 5 children are my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family most important hard to see the world as a project lead from,... Old dad wanting a new life family after making sacrifices for you earlier in the open has... Doubt whether that was actually the question she meant to ask has gone by and we dont know to. Forever with my relationship with their own goddamn father skilled engineering field as good. Domineering and controlling sound bad ) is ideal year has gone by and we dont know why narcissist! Understand that fooled and much family as well that should be too while going to college and working and... Friends with your ex ( I know this might sound bad ) is.! You/She wants as thats a ridiculous reply me before they met me and custody decisions it is you is! Npd ( narcissistic personality disorder ) Survivors daughters divorce the close relationship we had... Basically disregarded me do what you/she wants as thats a bit unreasonable he. Family my adult children spend holidays with, its never me means nothing to that! How hard it is for you earlier in the open youre being ureasonable at all family... Im considering our daughter negative emotions to words your ex is concerned shameful pathetic! Ive worked my way into a highly skilled engineering field as a person my step-daughters and my kids 2016 from., visiting each other and just being toxic arms length sanctity of marriage is important to my older sister hope! ( Those 2 sisters have since become best friends ) he is a 40 year unknown.
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